A Dirty Job Chapter 15

15THE CALL OF BOOTY jazz puppets, cock said out of nowhere.He was on the stair-climbing mechanism next to Charlie and they were both sweating and staring at a row of six, perfective aspectly tuned female bottoms aimed at them from the machines in front of them.What was that? Charlie said.Fuck puppets, radio beam said. Thats what they ar. diversify had talked Charlie into coming to his health club with him downstairs the pretense of suitting him into the flow of being single. Actu in ally, because atomic number 75 was an ex-cop, watched people more closely than actually was healthy, had too a great deal clip on his hands, and didnt keep up out some(prenominal) himself, the real reason he asked Charlie to come work out with him was so he could run low to agnize him outside of the entrepot. Hed noticed a strange pattern that had developed since Rachels death, of Charlie showing up with peoples property shortly after their obituary appeared in the paper. Because Charlie u nploughed to himself socially and was secretive about what he did when he was out of the shop, not to mention all the little animals that ended up dead in Charlies apartment, Ray suspect that he power be a serial killer. Ray decided to try to get close to his boss and find out for sealed.Keep your vowel system down, Ray, Charlie said. Jeez. Since Ray couldnt turn his head, he was talking right at the womens onlyts.They cant hear me look, every single unitary has on a headset. He was right, every superstar of them was talking on a cell mobilise. You and I are invisible to them.Having actually been invisible to people, or nearly so, Charlie did a double take. It was mid morning time and the gym was near of lean spandex-clad women in their twenties with disproportionately large breasts, perfect skin, and expensive hair, who seemed to choose the ability to look right through him the way that everyone did when he was in pursuit of a soul vessel. In fact, when he and Ray had first come into the gym, Charlie had actually looked around for nigh object, pulsing red, thinking that he might have missed a name on his date book that morning. aft(prenominal) I was shot I dated a physical therapist that worked here for a while, Ray said. She called them that fuck puppets. Every one of them has an apartment that some older executive guy is paying for equitable standardized he paid for the health-club membership and the fake tits. They spend their twenty-four hour periods getting facials and manicures, and their nights under some suit out of his suit.Charlie was wildly uncomfortable with Rays lit any, talking about these women who were precisely a pas de deux of feet away. Like any Beta Male, he would have been wildly uncomfortable in the presence of so many beautiful women anyway, solely this made it worse.So like theyre like trophy wives? Charlie said.Nuh-uh, like wannabe trophy wives. They dont get the guy, the house, whatever. They just exist to be his perfec t piece of ass.Fuck puppets? Charlie said.Fuck puppets, said Ray. But forget them, theyre not why youre here.Ray was right, of course. They werent why Charlie was in that respect. Five years had passed since Rachels death, and everyone had been telling him he needed to get prickle in the game, but thats not why he agreed to accompany the ex-cop to the gym. Because Charlie spent too much time on his own, especially since Sophie had started school, and because hed been hiding a secret identity and avocation, hed started to suspect that everyone might have one. And since Ray kept to himself, talked a lot about people in the neighborhood who had died, and because he really didnt seem to have a social life beyond the Filipino women he contacted online, Charlie suspected Ray might be a serial killer. Charlie conceit hed try to get circumferent to Ray and find out.So theyre like mistresses? Charlie said. Like in Europe?I suppose, Ray said. But did you ever get the impression that mistr esses worked this hard to look good? I think fuck puppet is more accurate, because when they get too old to hold the attention of their guy, theyve got energy more subsisting out. Theyll be done, like marionettes with no one at the strings.Jeez, Ray, thats harsh. Maybe Ray is stalking one of these women, Charlie thought.Ray shrugged.Charlie looked up and down the line of perfect derrieres, then felt the weight of his years alone or in the company of a child and two giant dogs, and said, I want a fuck puppet.Aha thought Ray. Hes picking a victim. Me, too, he said. But guys like us dont get fuck puppets, Charlie. We just get ignored by them.Aha Charlie thought. The caustic sociopath comes out. So thats why you brought me here, so I could show I was out of shape in front of gorgeous women who wouldnt notice?No, the fuck puppets are fun to look at, but theres some normal women who come here, too. Who wont talk to me either, Ray thought.Who wont talk to you either, Charlie said. Beca use they can tell that you are a psychokiller.Well see in the juice turf out after our workout, Ray said. Where Ill sit at an angle so I can watch you pick your victim.You sick fuck, they thought.Charlie awoke to find not one, but threesome new names in his date book, and the last one, a capital of Wisconsin McKerny, had only three days for him to retrieve her soul vessel. Charlie kept a stack of newspapers in the house and, typically, would go screening for a month looking for an obituary of his new client. More often, if the hellhounds would give him some peace, he would simply wait for the name to appear in the obituary section, then go find the soul vessel when it was easy to get into the house, with mourners or posing as an estate buyer. But this time he had only three days, and Madison McKerny hadnt appeared in the obituaries, so that meant she was probably still active, and he couldnt find her in the phone book either, so he was press release to need to get moving quickly . Mrs. Ling and Mrs. Korjev liked to do their marketing on Saturdays, so he called his sister, Jane, and asked her to come watch Sophie.I want a baby brother, Sophie announced to her Auntie Jane.Oh, sweetie, Im sorry, you cant have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and thats never going to happen again.Jane, dont talk to her that way, Charlie said. He was making sandwiches for them and wondering why he always got stuck making the sandwiches. To Sophie, he said, Honey, why dont you go in your room and shirk with Alvin and Mohammed, Daddy needs to talk with Auntie Jane.Okay, Sophie said, skipping off to her room.And dont change clothes again, those are fine, Charlie said. Thats the fourth outfit shes had on today, he said to Jane. She changes clothes like you change girlfriends.Ouch. Be gentle, Chuck, Im sensitive and I can still kick your ass.Charlie spanked some mayonnaise onto a whole wheat slice to show he was serious. Jane, Im not sure its healthy for her to have all these different aunties around. Shes already had a hard time losing her mother, and now youve locomote away I just dont think she should keep getting attached to these women only to have them yanked out of her life. She needs a consistent female influence.First, I have not moved away, Ive moved across town, and I see her every bit as often as when I lived in the building. Second, its not like Im promiscuous, Im just gooey at relationships. Third, Cassie and I have been together for three months, and were doing fine so far, which is why Ive moved out. And fourth, Sophie did not lose her mother, she never had her mother, she had you, and if youre going to be a decent human being, you need to get laid.Thats what I mean, you cant talk like that in front of Sophie.Charlie, its true Even Sophie can see it. She doesnt eve subsist what it is and she can tell that youre not getting any.Charlie stopped constructing sandwiches and came over to the counter. Its not sex, Jan e. Its human contact. I was getting my hair cut the other day and the hairdressers breast rubbed against my shoulder and I almost came. so I almost cried.Sounds like sex to me, little brother. Have you been with anyone since Rachel died?You know I havent.Thats wrong. Rachel wouldnt want that for you. You have to know that. I mean she took pity on you and hooked up with you, and that couldnt have been easy for her, knowing she could do so much better.Took pity on me?Thats what Im saying. She was a sweet woman, and youre much more pitiful now than you were then. You had more hair then, and you didnt have a kid and two dogs the size of Volvos. Hell, theres probably some order of nuns that would do you now, just as a holy act of mercy. Or penance.Stop it, Jane.The Sisters of Perpetual Nookiless Suffering.Im not that bad, Charlie said.The Holy Order of Saint pretty of the BJ, patron saint of Web porn and incurable wankers.Okay, Jane, Im sorry I said that about you changing girlfriends. I was out of line.Jane leaned back on her bar stool and crossed her arms, looking satisfied but skeptical. But the problem remains.Im fine. I have Sophie and I have the business, I dont need a girlfriend.A girlfriend? A girlfriend is too ambitious for you. You just need someone to have sex with.I do not.Yes, you do.Yes, I do, Charlie said, defeated. But I have to go. Are you okay to watch Sophie?Sure, Im going to take her to my place. I have an obnoxious neighbor up the street that Id like to introduce to the puppies. go away they poop on command?They will if Sophie tells them.Perfect. Well see you tonight. Promise me youll ask someone out. Or at least look for someone to ask out.I promise.Good. Did you get that new blue pinstripe tailored yet?Stay out of my closet.Dont you need to get going?Ray figured that it had probably started when Charlie murdered all those little animals he brought home for his daughter. Maybe buying the big black dogs was a cry for help pets that someone would really notice being gone. con shape to the movies, they all started out that way with the little animals, then before long they moved up to hitchhikers, hookers, and pretty soon they were mummifying a whole flock of counselors at some remote summer camp and posing the crusty remains around a card table in their mountain hideaway. The mountain lair didnt fit the profile for Charlie, since he had allergies, but that might just be an indication of his diabolical genius. (Ray had been a street cop, so it hadnt really been necessary for him to moot criminal profiling, and his theories tended toward the colorful, a side effect of his Beta Male imagination and large DVD collection.)But Charlie had asked Ray to use his contacts on the force and at the DMV a half-dozen times to locate people, all of whom ended up dead a few weeks later. But not murders. And while a lot of items belong to the tardily deceased had turned up in the shop in the last few years (Ray had found antitheft numbers etched on a dozen items and called them in to a friend on the force who identified the owners), none of them had been murdered either. at that place were a few accidents, but mostly it was inherent causes. Either Charlie was devious to an extraordinary degree, or Ray was out of his mind, a possibility that he didnt discount completely, if for no other reason than he had three ex-wives who would testify to it. Thus, hed devised the workout ruse to draw Charlie out. Then again, Charlie had always treated him really well, and if it turned out he didnt have a mountain lair full of mummified camp counselors, Ray knew hed feel bad about tricking him.What if there was nothing wrong with Charlie except that he needed to get laid?Ray was chatting with Eduardo, his new girlfriend at when Charlie came down the back steps.Ray, I need you to find someone for me.Hang on a second, I have to property off. Charlie, check out my new squeeze. Ray pulled up a photo on the screen of a heavily made-up but attractive Asiatic woman.Shes pretty, Ray. I cant give you any time off right now to go to the Philippines, though. Not until we hire someone to take Lilys shifts. Charlie leaned into the screen. Dude, her name is Eduardo.I know. Its a Filipino thing, like Edwina.She has a five-oclock shadow.Youre just being a racist. Some races have more facial hair than others. I dont care about that, I just want someone who is honest and caring and attractive.She has an Adams apple.Ray squinted at the screen, then quickly clicked off the monitor and spun around on the stool. So who do you need me to find?Its okay, Ray, Charlie said. An Adams apple doesnt preclude someone from being honest, caring, and attractive, it just makes it less likely.Right. It was just bad lighting, I think. Anyway, who do you need to find? exclusively I have is the name Madison McKerny. I know he or she lives in the city, but thats all I know.Its a she.Pardon me?Madison, its a strippers name.Charlie shook h is head. You know this woman?I dont know her, although the name seems familiar. But Madison is a new-generation stripper name. Like Reagan and Morgan.Lost me, Ray.Ive spent some time in strip joints, Charlie. Im not proud of it, but its sort of what you do when youre a cop. And you pick up on the pattern of stripper names.Didnt know that.Yeah, and theres sort of a progression going back to the fifties Bubbles, Boom Boom, and Blaze begat Bambi, Candy, and Jewel, who begat Sunshine, Brandy, and Cinnamon, who begat Amber, Brittany, and Brie, who begat Reagan, Morgan, and Madison. Madison is a stripper name.Ray, you werent thus far alive in the fifties.No, I wasnt alive during the forties either, but I know about World War Two and big-band music. Im into history.Right. So, I need to look for a stripper? Doesnt help. I dont even know where to start.Ill go through the DMV and the tax records. If shes in town well have an address on her by this afternoon. Why do you need to find her?There was a pause while Charlie pretended to find a smudge on the glass of the counter display case, wiped it away, then said, Uh, its an estate thing. One of the estates we got recently had some items that were left to her.Shouldnt the executor of the estate take care of that, or his lawyer?Its minutiae, not named in the will. The executor asked me to handle it. Theres fifty bucks in it for you.Ray grinned. Thats okay, I was going to help anyway, but if she turns out to be a stripper I get to go with you, okay?Deal, Charlie said.Three hours later Ray gave the address to Charlie and watched as his boss bolted out of the shop and grabbed a political hack. Why a cabriolet? Why not take the van? Ray wanted to follow, needed to follow, but he had to find someone to cover the store. He should have anticipated this, but hed been distracted.Ray had been distracted since talking to Charlie, not just by the essay for Madison McKerny, but also because he was trying to figure out how to work Do you have a penis? casually into the conversation with his sweetheart, Eduardo. After a couple of teasing e-mails, he could stand it no longer and had just typed out, Eduardo, not that it makes any difference, but Im thinking of sending you some hot lingerie as a friendship present, and I wondered if I should make any special accommodations for the panties.Then he waited. And waited. And granted that it was five in the morning in Manila, he was second-guessing himself. Had he been too vague, or had he not been vague enough? And now he had to go. He knew where Charlie was going, but he had to get there before anything happened. He dialed Lilys cell phone, hoping that she wouldnt be working at her other job and would do him a favor.Speak, ingrate, Lily answered.How did you know it was me? Ray asked.Ray?Yeah, how did you know it was me?I didnt, Lily said. What do you want?Can you come cover the store for me for a couple of hours? Then, as he heard her take a orphic breath that he was pretty sure would be propellant for verbal abuse, he added, Theres fifty bucks extra in it for you. Ray heard her exhale. Yes After graduating from the culinary Institute, Lily had gotten a job as a sous chef at a bistro in North Beach, but she didnt make enough to move out of her mothers apartment yet, so she let Charlie talk her into keeping a couple of shifts at Ashers Secondhand, at least until he could find a replacement.Okay, Ray, Ill come in for a couple of hours, but I have to be at the relaxation methodaurant by five, so be back or Im closing up early.Thanks, Lily.Charlie sincerely hoped that Ray wasnt a serial killer, despite all the indications to the contrary. He would never have found this woman without Rays police contacts, and what would he do in the future if he needed to find someone and Ray was in jail? Then again, Rays experience as a cop could account for his never leaving any evidence. But why, then, would he continue to pursue the Filipino women over the Inter net if he was just looking to kill people? Maybe thats what he did when he went to the Philippines to visit his paramours. Maybe he killed desperate Filipinas. Maybe Ray was a tourist serial killer. Deal with it later, Charlie thought. For now, theres a soul vessel to retrieve.Charlie got out of the cab outside of the Fontana, an apartment building just a block up from Ghirardelli Square, the waterfront chocolate factory turned tourist mall. The Fontana was a great, curved, concrete-and-glass building that commanded views of Alcatraz and the Golden opening Bridge, and that had drawn the disdain of San Franciscans since it had been built in the 1960s. It wasnt that it was an ugly building, although no one would argue that it wasnt, but with the Victorian and Edwardian structures all around it, it looked very much like a giant air conditioner from outer space attacking a nineteenth-century neighborhood. However, the views from the apartments were exquisite, there was a doorman, under ground parking, and a pool on the roof, so if you could handle the stigma of residing in an architectural pariah, it was a great place to live.The address Ray had given him for Madison was on the twenty-second floor, and so, presumably, was her soul vessel. Charlie wasnt sure of the exact range of his unnoticeability (he ref utilize to think of it as invisibility, because it wasnt), but he hoped that it reached twenty-two floors. He was going to have to get past the doorman and into an elevator, and posing as an estate buyer wasnt going to work.Ah, well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. If he got caught, hed just have to find another way in. He waited by the door until a young woman in business attire went in, then followed her into the lobby. The doorman didnt even look at him.Ray saw Charlie get out of the cab and told his own driver to stop a block away, where he hopped out, threw the driver a five and told him to keep the change, then dug in his pocket for the rest of the fare while the driver pounded on the wheel impatiently and cursed under his breath in Urdu.Sorry, its been a while since I took a cab, Ray said. Ray had a car, a nice little Toyota, but the only parking place he could find was eight blocks away from his apartment in the parking lot of a hotel managed by a friend of his, and when you got a parking place in San Francisco, you kept it, so Ray mostly used public transportation and only drove the car on his days off to keep the battery charged. Hed jumped in a taxi outside Charlies shop and shouted, Follow that cab thus completely terrifying the Japanese family in the back.Sorry, Ray said. Konichiwa. Its been a while since I took a cab. Then he jumped back out and caught a cab that didnt have a fare.He sneaked quickly up the street, going from light post, to newspaper machine, to ad kiosk, ducking behind each, staying in his stealth-crouch, and achieving nothing whatsoever except to look like a complete loon to the kid standing at the bus sto p across the street. He reached the underground parking entrance of the Fontana just as Charlie was making for the door. Ray crouched behind the key-card pillar.He wasnt sure what he was going to do if Charlie went for the building. Fortunately, hed memorized Madison McKernys phone number, and he could warn her that Charlie was coming. In the cab on the way down here hed remembered where hed seen her name on the register at his health club. Madison McKerny was one of the midmorning fuck puppets from the gym, and as Ray suspected, Charlie was stalking her.He watched Charlie fall in behind a young woman in business dress who was headspring up the walk into the Fontana, then Charlie was gone. Just gone.Ray came out onto the sidewalk to get a better angle. The woman was still there, shed gone only a couple of steps, but he couldnt see Charlie. There were no bushes, no walls, the whole damn lobby was glass, where the hell had he gone? Ray was sure he hadnt looked away, he didnt even thi nk he had blinked, and he would have seen any sudden move Charlie might have made.Reverting to the Beta Males inclination to blame himself, Ray wondered if maybe hed had some kind of petit mal seizure that had made him black out for a second. Whether he did or not, he had to warn Madison McKerny. He reached to his belt and felt the empty cell-phone clip, then remembered putting his phone under the register when hed gotten to work that morning.Charlie found the right apartment and rang the bell. If he could get Madison McKerny to come out into the hallway, he could slip in behind her and look through her apartment for her soul vessel. Just down the hall there was a table with an artificial flower arrangement. Hed tipped it over, hoping she was compulsive or curious enough to come out of her apartment to get a closer look. If she wasnt home, well, hed have to break in. Odds were that with a doorman downstairs, she didnt have an alarm system. But what if she could see him? Sometimes t hey could, the clients. Not often, but it happened, and She opened the door.Charlie was stunned. She was stunning. Charlie stopped breathing and stared at her breasts.It wasnt that she was a young and gorgeous brunette, with perfect hair and perfect skin. Nor was it that she was wearing a thin, white silk robe that just barely concealed her swimsuit-model figure. Nor was it because she had disproportionately large but alert breasts that were straining against the robe and peeking out of the plunging neckline as she leaned out the door, although that would have been enough to render the hapless Beta breathless under any circumstances. It was that her breasts were glowing red, right through the silk robe, glowing right out of the dcolletage like twin rising suns, pulsating like the lightbulb boobies of a kitschy Hawaiian hula girl lamp. Madison McKernys soul was residing in her breast implants.Ive got to get my hands on those, Charlie said, forgetting that he wasnt exactly alone and h e wasnt exactly thinking to himself.Then Madison McKerny noticed that Charlie was there and the screaming started.